


Evoke

by TheGirlNoOneKnows5



Series: Ambience [1]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Even's POV, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Guitarist!Even, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicide, Past Abuse, Pianist!Isak, Pining, Roommates, SKAM Reverse Bang, Silliness and banter, Smutty smutting smut, lots of love, music school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 16:30:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15586008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlNoOneKnows5/pseuds/TheGirlNoOneKnows5
Summary: What is genius?What is music?What is fear?What is heartbreak?What is love?To Even, Isak Valtersen is all of these things-Isak and Even are roommates attending the Norwegian Academy of Music. Isak is an enigma until their sleepless nights are no longer spent aloneFor the 2018 Skam Reverse Bang





	Evoke

**Author's Note:**

> In honour of those we’ve lost; J, M, M
> 
> The corresponding artwork to this fic is [this](https://open.spotify.com/user/chelseabergman7/playlist/1TX0BY5DBKlk4KyUVfc895?si=xNWaBD2FThWQwNHTMG6-iQ) heartbreaking playlist by [Chelsea; a certifiedfilmhoe](http://certifiedfilmhoe.tumblr.com/). Please, please listen while you read- it inspired the whole thing 

 

**What is genius?**

Perhaps it’s subjective.

Vincent Van Gogh was shunned as a madman in his own time, yet now he’s revered as a master artist. A genius, if you will.

Is mastery genius?

Is it a burning passion for one’s own art form? The mind buzzing with ideas. Fingers itching to create.

Genius, to Even, is something that changes the world, no matter how small.

His favourite form of genius; music.

 

**What is music?**

Sound waves. Instruments. Noise.

It is the timeless brilliance of Bach.

It is the strange beats of Skrillex.

Music, to Even, is a piece that has the power to make a person _feel_. Sounds that reverberate through his bones. Evoking images, memories, emotions like nothing else can. Exhilaration, heartbreak, confusion, certainty.

Isak Valtersen was a genius.

 

Even gaped at him from his seat. Isak was busy performing Miroirs III: Une barque sur l'ocean. Even closed his eyes and felt the wind on his face. He felt the boat rocking beneath his feet. He felt the ocean spray hit his clothes. Each note had him completely transported.

Isak finished with an improvised crescendo. The audience roared with applause before his fingers stopped moving on the keys. Even clapped until his hands were sore.

Isak stood and gave the audience a courteous bow as if what he’d just done was no big deal. As if he hadn’t just entranced a room full of hundreds of people. Then he walked off stage with nothing more than a humble smile.   

That was why Isak Valtersen was a genius.

The ability to capture a room, a moment, minds and imaginations. People would surely be talking about him for a week. Although, Even knew he deserved much more thought than that. That was the beauty of music. It was in the now.

And life was now.

A group of students gathered outside The Norwegian Academy of Music’s Lindeman Hall to share their excitement and relief after the concert. They chattered vibrantly about which ones were brilliant and which ones sucked.

Even was standing with Jonas Vasquez, Mahdi Disi, and Chris Berg when Isak finally joined them.

“Fuck me,” Jonas said. He clapped Isak on the back. “You did it again.”

Isak shrugged. “Whatever.”

“Whatever?” Mahdi scoffed. “You made the whole show! That’s why you got put last. To make all the rest of us look like talentless assholes.” It was rather ironic, considering Mahdi’s percussion piece was the other talk of the night.

“Shut up,” Isak laughed. “I’m not _that_ good.”

“That’s bullshit,” Even said. Everyone turned to look at him. “You’re a genius.” Isak tried to brush it off. He tried to laugh and joke. Even wouldn’t let him. “You are. You’re brilliant.”

Isak’s cheeks darkened and his smile faltered. What he could express in music, he lacked in words.

“Dude!” Isak’s friend Magnus had appeared out of thin air. “You dick! Why didn’t you tell me you could do that?”

“Is everyone done kissing my ass, or?”

Oh, Even would really love to.

“So, where are we celebrating?” Mahdi asked.

“Chateau Neuf,” Jonas said. “Where else?”

 Chris threw a pointed finger into the air. “Everyone! To the bar!”

The group walked companionably to the bar. Many familiar faces were inside. Isak was approached by several. He entertained them all with a gracious smile for a while until it became too much. He looked ready to throw himself against a wall when Even intervened.

“Excuse me,” Even said politely. He moved past a few people to get to Isak. “We’ve got an early morning, remember?” he said to him. “You promised to drive me to the dentist.”

The relief on Isak’s face was almost cartoonish. “Yes,” he said quickly. “We should go.” He looked at each of the faces surrounding him. “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for your words.” Even had to choke back his laughter.

They were bid several ‘goodnights!’ Even grabbed Isak’s arm to lead him outside, only to drop it when Isak flinched. “Sorry,” Even said, stunned. “You alright?”

Isak blinked at him with wide eyes. “Uh…” he forced a laugh. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.” It was an obvious lie, but Even let it go for now.

They walked home in silence. Isak was lost in thought. Even was very, very present. He took in every sensation, every sound, every new thing to enter his sight. The night’s music overlapped in his head. It was beautiful chaos.

The apartment was a mess when they got in. Just the way they’d left it. “Lucky we didn’t invite anyone back,” Even said.

“Mm,” Isak murmured, only half paying attention.

Even stared at him for a while. “I’ve been living with you for how long and I’ve only just found out you’re a genius.”

“This again,” Isak shook his head and hid a smile.

“Seriously,” Even insisted. “What is it? Three months? How have I missed something so grand, so obvious?”

“You’re annoying,” Isak said with what Even decided was fondness. He sat on the couch to take his shoes off.

Even followed. “We’ve got to get you a keyboard.”

Isak scrunched up his face. “What?”

“So you can practise here! I can listen to your genius from the comfort of our own shithole apartment.”

Isak stood with a dramatic eye roll. “So you can carry on like this every day? No thanks.” He disappeared down the hall.

“Oh, but, Isak,” Even called in a whiny voice, “I’m your biggest fan!”

 

*********

Even was cold.

The wind was bitter. Icy. Unforgiving. He could barely see through the thick fog.

 _Where am I?_ he tried to say. He was too cold to speak. Too stiff. 

A distant figure slowly approached him. Regret surged through Even’s body. Guilt. Terror. He wanted to run. A quiet voice was telling him to get away. Another told him to stay. When he looked down, his legs were made of stone. His arms, too.

The figure reached him. Even knew its brown eyes. He’d seen them a thousand times.

“D…de…” it stuttered.

Even wanted to help. Desperation spread as if he knew what was coming. His heart raced. It hurt knocking against his stone chest.

“Dead,” the figure finally said. Even knew its voice. He’d heard it a thousand times.

_Don’t say that._

“Dead.”

_Please._

The figure reached for him. Even tried to reach back. He tried to take the trembling hands. He couldn’t move. He wanted to cry. Glass eyes could not cry.

The figure’s face became clear. Even knew this face. He’d seen it exactly two thousand, one hundred and twenty one times.

“H-help,” the figure cried.

_I’m trying._

“Help!”

_I can save you._

The ice broke beneath them. The figure, the face Even knew so well, fell into the darkness. He screamed in agony. Despair.

Even tried to scream with him.

His voice would not work. Nothing would work.

_I’m sorry._

_I’m so sorry._

The entire world was shaking. Even’s throat was raw. He heard a different screaming in the distance. His face was wet. Someone was touching him. A kind voice was calling his name.

“Even.”

His eyes shot open. The screaming got closer. He felt a body towering over him and looked up.

“Even,” Isak said. He was holding onto both of Even’s shoulders.

It was him. Even was the one screaming.

His last scream turned into a sob. One sob turned into another until he couldn’t stop. He cried so hard, he couldn’t see. Isak gathered him in his arms, bracing his body on his knees. “Shh,” Isak soothed. He rocked Even like a baby. “It was a dream.”

Even cried and sniffled all over Isak, clinging to him desperately. Isak rocked him and smoothed his hair, whispering gentle reassurances. It felt like a long while had passed by the time Even’s hiccups and sobs calmed. He settled for sniffling loudly while Isak held him.

“Here.” Isak held an old t-shirt to his face. Even grabbed it and wiped his snotty nose with it.

“I’m gross,” he said. His voice was weak.

“No you’re not,” Isak chuckled.

Even nodded firmly and tossed the t-shirt across the room. “I’m gross.”  

“You want gross?” Isak shifted around until they were lying side by side. “I’ve only changed my bed sheets once since I’ve lived here.”

Even snorted. “I’ve gone _long_ periods of time without doing laundry.” 

“We’re both gross, then.”

“Mm.”

The atmosphere was calm like the sky clearing after a storm. The quiet after a battle fought and lost.

Even’s head was heavy. He was so tired. So tired and wide awake. He pushed his face into his pillow and blew out a heavy breath. Isak’s light laugh soothed his hollow gut. Isak was cute with his messy hair and droopy eyes. Who knew dark under eyes could be pretty? Even could only imagine what he looked like.

Fucking nightmares.

Why were they regarded as a childish thing? Sometimes the mind found ways to fuck people up for the hell of it. Even could run from certain things while awake, but not in sleep.

Not the fear or guilt or grief.

_Fuck._

He didn’t want to talk about it. He wasn’t going to talk about it. He wouldn’t-

“Have you ever lost someone?” The words tumbled out of Even’s mouth before he could catch them. He flinched at them, wishing he could get them back.

Isak pulled his lips in as he considered. It was a while before he spoke. “In a way.”

Even didn’t want to talk about this. He didn’t know what to say.

Their silence felt significant.

“Have you heard the rumours about my rapping?”

Even raised his brows in amusement, grateful for the change in subject “I have, actually. Give me a sample?”

“Are you sure you can handle it? I really bring the fire.”

“Bring it on.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Isak pushed himself up to a seated position. “E-box, give me a beat!”

Even did his best, grunting and spitting like all fine beat boxers did.

Isak bopped his head, a serious expression on his face. “Mm, yeah. Fuck the police.”

That broke Even out of his beat, sending him into a fit of laughter. Isak threw himself back against Even’s pillows and joined him. Strange how a silly little thing could be so comforting.

“So?” Isak said expectantly. “Did I blow your mind?”  

Even gave him a serious nod. “Bach meets Nas.”

“Nas?”

“You’re kidding? You haven’t heard of Nas?”

Isak scoffed. “I’ve heard of him! Naaas.”

“A musical genius and you haven’t heard of Nas.” Even shook his head in disappointment.

Isak gave his shoulder a little push. “Shut up,” he laughed.

They were smiling at each other and Even caught himself feeling at ease. He should feel guilty for that, shouldn’t he? Was he allowed to feel good on _this_ day?

 

*********

It was an ugly day.

It was a no good, awful, shit fuck of a day.

Even moved around the kitchen silently as Isak shuffled in. The sound of his movements sent a nervous pang through Even’s body. He poured coffee into their largest mug and drank it black. “Want anything?”

Isak sat at their little table with a big yawn. Even frowned at it. “Coffee would be good.”

Even poured the rest into another mug. “Milk or sugar?”

“Uh…nah. Not today.”

Even brought both mugs to the table and plonked into a chair. “Enjoy my world famous tar,” he said, sliding Isak’s mug across.

Isak snatched it and took a big gulp. He grimaced. “Mmmm.”

All Even could offer him was a small smile. They’d talked and teased each other until the early hours of the morning. It was nice. Until Even woke up enough to remember he’d completely freaked out in front of him.

Last night left Even feeling cut open. It was strange, yet almost freeing. Being that naked in front of someone new.

Still, he felt like he owed Isak for his kindness. “Um,” he croaked, “Thanks for…you know.”

Isak smiled softly. Gentle understanding was in his eyes. “Don’t worry about it.”

Even relaxed his shoulders, feeling like a fully grown child. _Does anyone ever really grow up?_ he wondered. He laughed when coffee dribbled down Isak’s chin.  

 _Maybe not_.

 

*********

“Three years,” Mutta said.

One thousand and ninety five days. It felt like yesterday and forever ago.

“Three years,” Even said back.

They were sitting on a bench in the park, watching people hurry by. Mutta reached into his bag. Even laughed when he saw what he had. “Can’t do Camar Day without mandarins,” he said, handing one to Even.

They peeled their mandarins in solemn silence. Something about this was funny. Sadly peeling fruit like they were at a wake. Mutta seemed to have the same thought. Their eyes met, full of memories and hidden giggles. They laughed softly together.

“Y’know, sometimes I forget,” Mutta said. “I’ll see a weird conspiracy theory and think ‘I can’t wait to tell him’, or I’ll think of a stupid joke and go to message him before going, ‘oh’.”

Even knew the feeling well. There were some memories Even couldn’t share anymore. Because the only person who knew was fucking gone. “I can’t even walk past a basketball court without getting sad,” he admitted.

He thought of the previous Thursday, when he walked by the court near Camar’s old house. He looked in, wondering if he’d see him there. He had smiled, gotten excited. Until he remembered.

“Do you think that ever stops?”

The disbelief. The sadness. The missing. Suddenly being hit with the thought, ‘oh my God, he’s gone’, or, ‘I’m really never going to see him again’. The guilt.

“No,” Even said honestly.

“Me neither.”

 They were quiet while they finished their mandarins.

 “There’s our boys.”

Even looked up to see Elias jogging towards them with a smile. Mikael, Adam, Yousef, Sana and Jamilla struggled to catch up behind him, their arms full of various items. The weight on Even’s chest lifted ever so slightly.  

“Thanks for the help,” Mikael huffed.

Elias gave him a wink. “What can I say? I’m a generous man.” He turned back to Even and Mutta, ignoring Adam’s gagging sound. “Let’s go somewhere with more sun.”

Their friends groaned and followed him to the perfect spot on the grass, albeit begrudgingly. Even helped Yousef lay out the massive picnic blanket. Everyone took a space on the blanket while Adam and Sana handed around boxes of food. Mikael played an old playlist they used to listen to in school. It was like a routine dance. One just for them. Because of him.

“I had the funniest customer come in the other day,” Adam said, breaking the thick tension. “She got mad we didn’t have ice and called Eva a horse.”

“Was it the same one who called her a wet fish?” asked Jamilla.

“No, but that one also called me a snake.”

“She was racist,” Elias said resolutely.

Mikael swung an arm around his shoulder and pulled him in for an awkward side hug. “You think everything is racist,” he laughed against his head.

Elias tapped Mikael’s arm. “This is hug racist.” Mikael tisked and pushed him away. “So was that.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Sana said.

“True.” Elias pointed a stern finger at everyone. “Only she’s allowed to say that to me.”

“Or it would be racist?” Even asked with a smirk.

“It would be if _you_ said it.” A flurry of napkins and straws flew at him. They all pelted off his head and chest. Just when it looked like they were done, Jamilla threw one final napkin right in the middle of his chest. Elias gave everyone his best glare. “Thank you.”

“We’re generous people,” Jamilla said.     

 

*********

02:01

 

_There was a boy with a sailboat_

_He sailed everyday_

_His boat was cold and empty_

_Alone in every way_

 

Even took his hundredth glance at the clock.

02:01

He sank back into his pillows with a huff.

 

_One day the boy saw another_

_With a sailboat just like his_

_This sailboat was sinking_

_And so he yelled, ‘hey, kid’_

 

Another glance.

02:03

 

_The boy saved the other_

_A friend to call his own_

_His sailboat filled with gold_

_For he was no longer alone_

 

Another glance.

02:03

“Fuck this.” Even accepted his usual tactics weren’t going to work tonight. Again. He climbed out of bed and grumpily wandered into the kitchen. Isak was facing the counter, his palms pressing firmly into the top. “Can’t sleep?”

Isak jumped and whipped around, red-faced. “Christ,” he breathed.

“Sorry,” Even chuckled. He moved past Isak to get a glass of water from the tap. He leaned against the sink, watching Isak’s profile. He was staring at the dark, his mind obviously far away. “Are you…are you okay?” Isak rubbed his eyes. “Was that a stupid question?”

“No,” Isak said with a tired laugh. He faced him and Even noticed his dark circles. “I never sleep well.”

Even gulped down the last of his water and put the glass in the sink. “I know.”

“Are you keeping track?” Isak gave him a cheeky smile. “You’re not obsessed with me, are you? Is this gonna be like one of those lame movies where the roommate is a creepy stalker the whole time?”  

“Do I look like a creepy stalker?”

Isak shrugged. “The hot guy always ends up being the bad guy. You can pick him from the start. So predictable.”

 _Isak thinks I’m hot._ No one had to know just how much of an ego boost that was.

“You need to watch better movies.” Even trudged over to the couch.

“Like what?” Isak followed him.

Even pursed his lips, pretending to think. He prepared to show off his impeccable taste. “Like ‘Dead Poets Society’. It’s genius.”

Isak wiggled his toe through the hole in his sock. Even smiled involuntarily. “Sounds pretentious.”

“It kind of is,” Even admitted. “But it’s brilliant. Loads of the cinematic greats are a _little_ pretentious.”  

“Why would anyone want to watch shit like that?” Isak laughed.

“Because everything else is _predictable_.”

Even bumped their shoulders after a few seconds of staring. Isak rolled his eyes, but Even caught his smile. “How’d you know sleep hates me?”

“Cause it hates me too,” Even said. “I hear you sometimes.”

Isak scrunched his nose. “Sorry.”

“It’s nice knowing I’m not the only one, I guess.”

“Mm.”

The silence wasn’t lonely like it usually was. Even felt Isak’s energy beside him. Heard his soft breaths. He stared at the hole in his sock. _I wonder how long it takes before a sock starts getting holes._

“How long are you supposed to keep a holey sock? How long until you have to toss it?”

Isak lifted his foot of the ground and flexed it. “However long you want.”

“Even if it’s falling apart?”

Isak wriggled his toes before planting his foot back on the ground. “It’s still my favourite sock.” Even smiled at him. “What?”

“I like you.” Isak groaned. Even bumped their shoulders again. “I do! You always say things I don’t expect to come out of your mouth.”

“Yeah, well you’re the one always writing little stories and poems and stuff.”

“They’re not all mine.”

“So why are you surprised people say things?”

Even smirked. “Things.”

“Things!” Isak gave his shoulder a little push. “Why do you always do that?”

“What?” Even knew exactly what.

Isak pulled his legs to his chest. “You know what you do, jackass.”

Even leaned on him. “Do I?” he teased.

“Ugh! Piss off!”

“I’m getting a ‘piss off’?” Even placed a hand over his heart and faked a sniff. “Isak, I’m so honoured.”

Isak buried himself into the couch. “You’re annoying.”

“So you keep saying.”

They talked and talked into the wee hours of the morning. Even teased Isak some more. Isak pretended to hate him some more. They talked until they finally succumbed to their exhaustion, pressed together on their second-hand couch.

Maybe lonely nights didn’t have to be lonely at all.

 

*********

**You have 3 missed calls from _Mamma_**

Even locked his phone. The sound of muffled chatter and music made the corridor seem much smaller than it was. His guitar felt heavy on his back. When had it gotten so hot?

He passed Linn Hansen grumpily lugging her new cello case along. He passed Noora Sætre quietly singing to herself. He passed Mahdi flirting with a pretty girl he’d never seen. Why was it so damn crowded?

He was sweating when he got to the practise room he’d booked. Chris was still inside, belting out Amy Winehouse’s classic ‘Back to black’. Even put his guitar beside him and leaned on the door, letting her voice ground him. Her tone was earthy and powerful. She was his favourite kind of singer; one who commanded attention. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that before the door was pulled open.

“Whoa!” His life flashed before his eyes as he fell back, but Chris was quick to catch him.

She helped him upright and gave his arm an enthusiastic pat. “You’re good,” she said. With that, she set off down the corridor like a woman on a mission.

“Thanks,” he called. She threw a thumbs up over her shoulder without looking back. _I like her._

Even looked around the small room, trying to remember what the hell he was doing there. A piano filled up the majority of space. Even figured he’d probably chosen the wrong room. His guitar slid off the wall and fell in the doorway. “Shit,” he muttered. _Always such a disaster._ He quickly unzipped the case to inspect for any damage, finding none.

“Alright,” he said to himself. After closing the door, he paced around the room, searching for inspiration. For somewhere to start. Because clearly he was going to find inspiration without even touching his fucking guitar. He lifted the strap over his head and plucked the strings. _E string needs to be tightened._ He plucked some more. _Perfect._

Even cleared his throat several times. He was alone. Why was he so nervous? He shook his head and poised himself to begin playing. He took a deep breath and-

Felt like an idiot. “No, no, no, no.” He shook his head and dragged over the chair from the corner. Even sat carefully, wiggling his butt to get comfortable. That was better. He placed his fingers on the first fret and-

Nothing. “Fuck.”

Resting his guitar on his knees, he rubbed at his eyes. They were sore and tired. What the fuck was wrong with him? This always came so easy. “Okay, okay, okay.”

He plucked G chord. _Yeah._ G was good. He plucked G again. And again. _Stop playing G!_ He shifted his fingers around for a while before settling on D. G, then D. _Yeah. Nice._ Next was…A minor! He was a genius. G, D, Am. Even strummed the chords together slowly. It sounded angelic. And really, really familiar.

He stopped, tapping the strings with his left hand. _I’m playing ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’_. His shoulders slumped in defeat. He wasn’t such a genius, after all.

He still had forty minutes in here. _Cut it out._ Even positioned his fingers again with renewed vigour. He could do this. It was just like breathing. He plucked G again. _G’s a good place to start, isn’t it? But, it’s so simple. Why does it always have to be G? Come on, be original! What’s wrong with G? Just fucking do something!_

He squeezed his eyes shut. Music told a story. Maybe he could start with the story and work around it. He could write about anything if he wanted. Lost paperclips. Chewed up sticky tape. Something that wasn’t fucking terrible.

 _Think, you idiot. Fucking think!_ All that came to mind was Camar’s sailboat poem. He couldn’t use that, could he? It wasn’t his story. Well, it was _his_ , but it wasn’t his. _Can you write something that isn’t really yours?_ The thought made his chest tighten.

He remembered the day Camar gave it to him. ‘For Even’. It was the week after he’d gotten out of the hospital. Camar was the only one that came every day. The things they’d talked about. The words and tears they’d shared.

Could he really…

_Never._

Even sniffed, wishing he could cry like that again. The nightmare aftermath was the first time in a while. If there was one thing he’d learned, being sad was better than being nothing. The hurt was better than this strange numbness.

So, Even did what he always did and strummed out an old tune.

A knock came to the door after a while. It opened before Even could answer.

“Hey.” It was Isak. They hadn’t seen much of each other the last few days.

“Hey.” They looked at each other while Isak stood in the doorway. “Oh! Right.” Even sprung up when he realised Isak was in here for a reason.

“You can stay if you want,” Isak said, closing the door behind him.

Even wanted to say, ‘Don’t be ridiculous’ and give him his space. That was the polite thing to do. He didn’t really feel like being polite today. For some reason, the thought of being alone was-

“Okay,” Even said instead.

If Isak minded at all, he didn’t show it. He sat at the piano and began playing something Even didn’t recognise. The notes echoed off the walls. They wrapped Even in a hug. He laughed at himself for the thought. _I’m such a twat._ Even sat back down on the little chair and closed his eyes, letting the music flood his veins. He saw a man in a limousine dressed in an expensive suit, a large rose bouquet in hand. There was a woman – the man’s lover – leaning out of her apartment window. The man got out and climbed up the stairs towards her. The woman hopped down until they met halfway. They promised each other forever. It was corny and romantic and brilliant and-

Pretty Woman. He’d just re-imagined Pretty fucking Woman.    

Even rubbed his itchy eyes again. He listened closely to what Isak was playing, taking in the chords and patterns. He strummed a harmony to Isak’s piece. Isak fumbled on the keys for a split second before picking up again like nothing had happened. They played silently together, having a conversation with their instruments. Isak embellished, suddenly changing the time signature. Even could practically see his smirk through the back of his head, the smug bastard.

Even could show off, too. He quickly picked up the new time signature and plucked the trickiest chords he knew, fingers low on the fret board. He bent the strings and shook his fingers, creating quick vibrato.

Isak laughed quietly from his piano. He played one last chord and finished abruptly on the keys. Even smiled and continued to move his fingers from fret to fret. He’d forgotten just how much of a show off he could be. “I get it,” Isak said. “You’re a genius.”

Even tapped his hand to the strings. He looked at Isak with wide eyes. “I? A genius? Why, Isak, I’m ever so flattered.”

“You’re a dork,” he laughed.

“You’re laughing.”

“I – ugh!” Isak scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest in indignation “I’m not laughing!” he insisted through a smile.

“Mm hm,” Even teased.

Isak turned back to the piano with an extra loud huff. He played ‘Claire de Lune’ softly. Even rose and walked closer, holding his guitar carefully. He gave Isak’s shoulder a squeeze. It was meant to be a gesture of friendly affection. With the way Isak jumped, he felt like he’d tasered him instead. Isak gasped loudly and ripped his shoulder away from Even’s light grasp. Even quickly backed away, his hands up in easy surrender. They stared at each other in shock.

“I-” Even fumbled for words. What could he possibly say? He settled on a simple, “I’m sorry.” Isak’s shoulders slumped as his face crumpled. “Isak, I’m sorry,” Even said honestly. “I really am. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay,” Isak said in a small voice. Isak didn’t look okay. He looked small. Embarrassed. A million miles away. It was a look he recognised.

“Are you sure? Are you okay?”

Isak quickly gathered his things and stood. “I’m okay, Even,” he said more genuinely.

Even wanted to believe him.

If this was the first time something like this had happened.

 

*********

_“What do you think is more probable?” Camar asked. He pulled grass off the ground to play with. “The world ending from collective earthquakes causing world-wide tsunamis, or the sun expanding and encasing us in a fireball?”_

_Even spread his arms and legs out like a starfish. His fingers brushed over their stubbed out joints. He squinted up at the sky, searching his foggy mind for some sensical thought. “The sun expanding.”_

_“That’s what I think,” Camar said. He flung some grass at Even’s face. “Not because it makes more sense, but because it’s way cooler.”_

_Even spat the grass out of his mouth. “The earth exploding is cool?” he laughed._

_“If the world is gonna end, it might as well be cool. What’s the fucking point, otherwise?” He lay on his back next to Even._

_It was a hopeless, borderline foolish thought. Why did everything have to have a point? “Everything has to end.”_

_Camar blew a raspberry. “That’s shit.”_

_“It’s true.”_

_“Yes, but it’s shit. Endings are shit.” He pulled more handfuls of grass. “Sometimes I wish your ‘life is a movie’ theory was true.”_

_Even blinked at the sky slowly. He felt like they were floating on water. “It might be.”_

_“Even if it is, I don’t think I could believe it.” He gave Even a nudge. “Mum would kill me.” They laughed like they always did. “But, really. Life wouldn’t be so boring if it was a movie.”_

_“Life isn’t boring.”_

_“Well, not when you hang out with me.” It was Even’s turn to throw grass. Camar retaliated, blowing it back at him. They were children. Camar rested his hands behind his head. “Nah, man. If life was a movie, things would be better. You and I would be kings.”_

_“We could be one day,” Even said._

_“Yeah. We could.”_

 

They never would be. Life wasn’t a movie. Even didn’t know what the fuck it was anymore. Was there a God up there? Many? Did they control everyone and everything, or did they just watch? Did people get reincarnated into bees or their grandson? Was there nothing? No meaning, no plan, no reason?

Did Camar go into nothingness? Even truly hoped he had gone to Allah. That maybe he was okay somewhere. Picking grass in the afterlife, laughing at Even every time he tripped or said something stupid.

Even stared at the ceiling. He didn’t feel like he was floating here. His mind was whirling. A thousand radio channels playing in his mind. So much chatter. So awake. _Shut up shut up shut up._    

He kicked something at the end of the bed. Even leaned over to pick up whatever it was. A book. He moved back to his pillows with a groan and switched on his bedside lamp. It was ‘Call me by your name.’

He frowned at it, wondering what the hell it was doing on his bed when he hadn’t touched it in months. He had a hate-love relationship with this book. The one thing that stuck out to him most was the question, ‘Is it better to speak or to die?’

Better to speak, they’d concluded.

And, yes. It was always better to speak. Silence led to regrets. If Even had taken that advice, maybe he wouldn’t be lying awake, thinking about the things he didn’t say. Things he should’ve said. Things he’ll never get to say.

Regret.

A yell from across the hall made his gut drop. He flung back his sheets and ran into Isak’s room. Isak was sitting up, his hands pulling at his hair frantically.

“Isak,” Even said gently. “It’s me.”

Isak looked up with wide eyes. He stared at him for a few seconds before letting out a choked sob. It clenched Even’s heart. He sat on Isak’s bed and took both his hands. “Hey,” he soothed while he massaged his hands. “Isak. I’m here. You’re not alone.”

Isak’s cries came out like helpless whimpers. “Can I touch you?” Even asked. “I mean, can I hold you?” Isak nodded, his eyes on his striped duvet. Even pulled him in, tucking Isak’s face into the crook of his neck. It took Isak a while to hug back, eventually wrapping his arms tightly around Even.

The question pushed its way to the front of Even’s mind. He willed it away, silently scolding himself for the temptation. It screamed at him. He knew he shouldn’t ask. He wouldn’t. He was not going to-

“Did someone hurt you?”

Why was he like this?

Isak sniffed against his shoulder. “Not…not like that,” came his muffled answer. They held each other quietly while Isak’s tears dried on Even’s t-shirt. Even brought a hesitant hand to Isak’s hair and stroked. Isak moved away after a while, wiping his eyes and nose. His gaze was locked on the duvet. “Aksel.”

“That’s who-”

“He never touched me like...It wasn’t like that.”

“But it was bad with him?”

Isak gave him a small nod. Even cautiously placed a hand on Isak’s knee and stroked it with his thumb. Isak watched the movement. He hadn’t looked at Even since he’d come in.

Even didn’t know if he should say this. _Better to speak than to die._ He sucked in a breath. “Isak, you’re safe here,” Even said. Isak let out a small, sad huff. “I want you to know that.”

Isak tapped Even’s hand with his index fingers. “So are you.”

 

*********

Even got to work late _again_ because he was a disaster. He tied his apron and took his place behind the counter.

“Even,” Mutta said.

“Mutta.”

He saw hesitance in Mutta’s eyes. _Uh oh._ A quiet voice told him to run. 

“You know you’re a handsome guy,” Mutta began, and _shit_ , Even knew where this was going.

“You can tell me I look like shit,” Even said for him because Mutta was too nice, the bastard.

“Can I also tell you you’ve been kinda snappy lately?” Mutta bit his lip at Even’s eyebrow twitch. “So, you looking like,” he gestured at Even’s face, “like shit and acting like a jer – uh, acting like a person. With less. Patience…” he laughed nervously and scratched his head. “I’ve known you long enough to know what that means.”

Even sighed. “Mutta-”

“How are you, lately?”

“You know that’s not a good question. For any of us right now.”

“Not sleeping isn’t good for you,” Mutta said as carefully as he could.

Even did not want to do this. Not when he fucking _knew_ he had every right to feel like shit this time of year. “We’re not doing this.”

“I know – I – It’s just – I care about you, man.”

“We’re not doing this.”

Mutta’s face was pink and Even _almost_ felt bad for him. “Please, Even. You can’t keep doing this-”

“I’ll get over it!” Even snapped. “I always do. You know what I’m like, you know what happens. I fall to shit and then pick myself up again, same as always.” The words felt ugly coming out of his mouth. Words he’d heard before, words he should’ve said back.

“Okay,” Mutta relented, hands up. “Sorry, man.”

And now Even felt like an asshole. He sighed. “Hey. I’m sorry I…”

“It’s chill.” Mutta always understood. He knew.

Who would’ve thought heavy conversations were a bad idea just before a shift? Even entered in the wrong orders, he overcharged some people, undercharged others. He put the syrups in the wrong spot. He burned his hand on the milk. He was a complete wreck.

His mind kept circling back to his earlier words. They pulled him into another time – one he didn’t want to go back to. He wouldn’t go until he was back at home, staring at the ceiling again.

 

_It had started to get annoying. Camar was there everyday, for hours each time. He’d read him lame internet articles, talk about how all politicians were secretly reptiles wearing human skin, brag about his latest victory on the court. He was quiet when Even needed the peace and talked when Even couldn’t stand the silence._

_He would. Not. Go. Away._

_Even told him to, repeatedly. He’d say things like, “You don’t need this,” or, “I know you’ve got better things to do,” or even, “Go away,” plain and blunt._

_Each time, Camar insisted he was already in the area or that his parents were out for the evening. They both knew they were all lies. He recycled a few, giving Even a wink when he did._

_He came back and back until the doctors were ready to discharge Even. He didn’t want to go. Didn’t want to face the world. Leave this place he never should’ve made it to._

_“What am I supposed to do?”_

_Camar’s answer came easy. “You’re going to live.”_

_That wasn’t possible anymore._

_“I can’t.”_

_“Yes. You can do it because you already have. Over and over again. Every time you crashed before. All those times, when your blood was lead and your body was stone. When your head was all foggy and mean and the whole world was screaming at you to give up. You did it then and you can do it again and you will keep doing it. You will keep on fighting and living until the universe turns to dust. Because that’s who you are, you little shit. You think you’re useless and weak, but I see you, kid. You’re a weirdo and you’re a fighter and you are going to live. You will.”_

_Even swallowed his lump. “What if it gets shit again?”_

_“It will. Fuck it, things_ will _get shit again and you’ll pull yourself through all over again. We’re here. Me, the boys, your parents. We’ve got this. You’re not alone.”_

 

Even’s chest tightened. His heart strained against his ribs as if it wanted to burst out. He felt like he’d swallowed poison.

It wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair. He was there when he needed him. Why couldn’t Even have done the same?

He heard Isak come home. Listened to him moving around the kitchen for a while. Was tempted to go say hello, make a joke or two. The thought of leaving bed, of trying to smile, of pretending to be okay was too exhausting. Instead, he sank further and further into the mattress.

And then Isak started singing. Some Sigrid song Even had heard a handful of times. This was much clearer than his muffled singing from the shower. He wondered if Isak knew he was home. His voice was like a soothing balm. The fire in his lungs calmed. His eyes fluttered shut and he began to drift off. Until a violent sneeze wracked his body, waking him back up.

The singing stopped. There was a tap at his door. “Even?”

He waited a while to respond. “…Yeah?”

The door creaked open. A few long moments of silence. The bed dipped and Isak was looking at the ceiling beside him. Their arms pressed together. Warmth spread and Even kind of wanted to cry. Without a word, Isak reached over to take his hand. He just wanted to fucking sleep.

All it took was one hand squeeze for Even to break. He cried quietly while Isak stroked his palm.

He cried until he _finally_ fell the fuck to sleep.

 

*********

It became a routine. Whenever one of them had booked a practise room, the other would sit in. Sometimes they played together, sometimes they just watched. And on the nights they couldn’t sleep, they’d talk and talk until the sun rose.

Even realised they’d only known each other on a surface level. That friendly façade people wore when talking to an acquaintance. Everything was polite and nice, but there was no depth. No realness. No bond or real care.

He was grateful for that nightmare, ugly as it was. It sparked the beginning of something good. Something present.

Isak had always been his cute, mysterious second year roommate. His ‘we’re kind of friends but not close’ person. Now, every word he spoke was music. Every glance made his face even more beautiful. Every little touch made everything else stop. Grounded him.

He watched Isak play from his chair in the corner. He’d bugged Isak until he told him the piece was called ‘Opus 55’. It was passionate and confusing and dripping with frustration. Like being stuck in a motion. In the same agonizing place. Like feeling trapped, trying and failing to break free of something, of someone.

Even listened in astonished awe. His body was on fire. Everything ached. Heart, fingers, lips. He rose to stand beside the piano. Arm resting on the lid. Isak’s eyes were closed, a deep frown creasing his forehead. Even watched his fingers move over the keys like it was what they’d been created for.           

It all coursed through him. The frustration. The passion. All this and then the quiet. Almost like sad acceptance.

Isak’s face flushed. He opened his eyes and they immediately landed on Even. Filled with tears impatiently waiting to be shed. He gasped and got to his feet. Even thought he was going to hug him. He would gladly oblige. He opened his arms only for Isak to grab his face.

Before Even knew what was happening, he was being pulled into a kiss. He melted into it instantly, holding Isak close. His heart thumbed against his own. One quiet voice told him to stop, while another told him to keep doing this forever. Isak let out a pained little whimper. It killed Even to pull away.

The tears were gone. All Even could see was green, green, green. _So beautiful_.

He shook his head, stroking Isak’s back gently. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I’m sure.” A peck. “I want you.” Another. “Even.” And again. “Touch me.”

That was all Even needed to hear. He pulled him closer so desperately, it was embarrassing. Their lips met. Tongues. Breaths. _Fuck._

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck,_ Isak was everything from his wildest dreams. Perhaps life really was like a movie. _I’m a twat_ , Even thought before every last sense and thought was overtaken by Isak, Isak, Isak. They held each other and kissed and pressed together until they were both hard. Until Isak whispered, “Let’s go home.”

They stumbled through the door, unwilling to part for a second. The walk home was tortuous. Isak whispered the dirtiest things into his ear. All the things they were going to do. Every hair on Even’s skin stood. His nipples were hard. Never in his life had he wanted something so much.

They hit walls until they found Even’s room. Isak undressed him quickly. He drove him mad. He pulled at Isak’s clothes the second he stepped out of his boxers. Off went his shirt, pants, underwear, socks. Until they were completely naked, bare, exposed. Even moaned at the sight of him.

Isak’s hands were in his hair and his knees were buckling. They fell onto the bed clumsily, laughing into each other’s mouths. Even kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. Their cocks brushed together, hard and proud against their stomachs. Touch. Taste. A deep groan came from the back of Even’s throat. He had to taste him everywhere.

He tried to move away from Isak’s lips a few times, but he wouldn’t let him go. “Let me,” he laughed against his lips. Isak smiled and Even took the opportunity to kiss down his stubbly jaw, his neck, his collar bones. He kissed and sucked down his body, savouring Isak’s mewling. “Spread your legs.” Isak moved enough so Even could comfortably situate himself between his legs. He caressed Isak’s lightly haired thighs. Isak shivered. _God!_

Even looked up at him to see parted lips and hooded eyes. “Can I?” Isak licked his lips and gave him a single nod, already squirming beneath him. Even took Isak’s dick in his hand. He circled his tongue around the head just to hear Isak gasp. He sank his mouth around him, taking as much of him in as he could. Isak arched off the bed. Even relaxed his throat, trying not to choke. It took him a while to adjust. Isak seemed to know. He threaded his fingers through Even’s hair to caress his scalp. Even pumped him with one hand while he sucked. Made Isak moan and writhe. Made himself harder and wetter.

He looked up at Isak while he came, burning the beautiful sight into his mind. He could hear music. When Isak stopped shaking, he pulled Even to him. “You,” he panted. “Oh shit.” He brought him down for another kiss, pulling at Even’s hair until it hurt. Isak wrapped a hand around Even’s dick and stroked slowly. Even sighed into his mouth and thrust up. He fucked Isak’s hand while Isak sucked on his tongue. It was the hottest thing he’d ever done. The music in his head got louder. “You’re so fucking hot,” Isak whispered. That was what sent him over the edge, climaxing hard on Isak’s hip. He collapsed against him, panting heavily. Isak giggled and held him. He stroked his dampened hair. It was the sweetest thing. Isak was the sweetest thing.

When his breathing returned to normal, he moved away slightly to look at him. His heart raced nervously until Isak gave him a blinding smile. Even smiled back just as wide, just as happy. “ _Fuck_.”

“Fuck,” Isak agreed. They laughed.

Even knew he shouldn’t ask. He also knew he was going to anyway. He had to know. “What were you thinking about? When you were playing.”

Isak looked at the same blank ceiling Even so often stared at. Searching for answers and finding none. Teasing peace yet offering none. “Him.”

Even stroked his arm tenderly. “Sorry. You don’t have to tell me anything. Ever.” He heard Isak’s hard swallow.

 “I want to,” Isak said quietly. “I want to tell you everything.” He met his eyes again. So green. So naked. “I...I’ve never told anyone. Not everything. Whenever I tried talking about it, my throat got all sticky and stuck. I want to tell someone.”

Even was afraid of what he would say. He always felt the opposite. Not wanting to tell anyone, trying to keep it all in. Failing miserably. But, Isak was so honest and open and lovely tonight. In this moment, he would give him anything. Do anything. He gave him an encouraging nod.

He began with a shaky breath. “I met him when I was seventeen. I was so desperate and pathetic and naïve back then. I was so lonely and fucking stupid, I went with him. Left my mother alone to be with this guy I barely knew.” He took a moment before going on. “He never hit me. That wasn’t how he did things. He liked control.” He gulped. “He didn’t like it when I saw my friends. Told me shit like, ‘They all hate you’. ‘They don’t care about you like I do’.” Another gulp. “He…he would always break things and leave me to clean up the mess. When he came back, he was always so sweet and begged me to forgive him. I believed him every time. Things were so bad when they were bad, but they were pretty good when they were good, y’know?” Even did know. _Sonja._ “Every time I was ready to give up, he’d do something nice.” Isak squeezed his eyes shut. Even tucked a curl behind his ear. “Until I realised it was only my stuff he was breaking. Never his. So, I started hiding my things. It really pissed him off when he figured it out. He didn’t like me to outsmart him. He wouldn’t let me leave a chair or let me eat or unlock the door until I told him where my stuff was. And then he’d look me in the eyes and break whatever he found. That was always how he got what he wanted.” His voice faltered. “I – I was fucking trapped with him. I could’ve walked out so many times, but I didn’t know how to leave him.”

Even stroked his hair. Isak leaned into it. “But you did. You got away. You’re here now. Safe. No one’s going to break your things here.”

“I know, but that doesn’t stop me from being afraid of it happening again, y’know? I haven’t seen him in almost a year. Logically, I know he’s gone. I know not everyone is like him. I know it as a fact in my head. But I don’t really feel it as a belief in my heart. Oh my God. I sound so fucking lame.”

“It’s not lame,” Even said. Isak rolled his eyes and looked down. “Hey. It’s not. It makes sense. You don’t even want to know some of the shit that goes through my head.”

“I bet it’s really pretentious and lame,” Isak teased. He swallowed down a lump in his throat.

Even traced his eyebrow with his thumb before moving his hand to caress Isak’s cheek. He leaned in close so their noses brushed. Isak swallowed again as his eyes turned glossy. “It is,” he said softly. Isak laughed sadly. Even rested his forehead against his. “You’re okay, Isak. You’re okay.”

They held each other for a while, breathing together. In time, they were kissing again. Even had only intended to make out with him, but Isak moved against him. His hip was still covered in Even’s cum. Isak stopped the kiss with a pop when they were both hard. “Are you clean?”

“Huh?”

“I want to fuck you.” Even’s heart stopped. Isak licked his lips. “Is that okay?”

Even got out of his arms and slid off the bed. “I better get cleaned up, then.”

“Me too,” Isak said, gesturing at his sticky lower half. Even ran to the bathroom while Isak laughed after him. They showered quickly, laughing while they washed. They made a half assed attempt to dry their bodies before running back to Even’s bed. Sheets be damned. Isak lay Even back carefully, staying at his lower half. He pushed Even’s legs apart and settled between them. “Lift up a bit.” Even did. It’d been a long time since he’d felt so exposed. “Okay?”

“Fuck, yes.”

Isak smiled at him before disappearing between his legs. He licked Even’s entrance and _oh my God_ , maybe heaven was real. Even had slept with men before, but he’d never ever been rimmed. Isak was so attentive, stroking his thighs and stomach while he used his tongue and fingers to pleasure him. “Isak,” Even whined.

Isak bit Even’s thigh, then licked over the spot. He nipped Even’s body as he moved higher and higher. “Hope you don’t mind the taste of ass.”

Even laughed loudly. _Dirty boy._ Isak was quick to silence him with a kiss. He pulled back a minute later. “Condoms?”

Even lazily reached over to his bedside table. He tried to open the draw from this weird angle, suddenly grateful for Adam’s ‘joke’ gift a few weeks ago. He’d insisted Even needed to get laid before his dick fell off. The others had called him an idiot, but right now, he was a hero. Even was going to ambush him with the tightest hug next time they were together.

Isak ended up grabbing the box. He smiled and waggled the bottle of lube in Even’s face. “Grape. Fancy.”

“Yours to enjoy.”

Isak rolled a condom on and tossed the box aside. He spread some lube on his dick. Even watched, licking his lips. “Dick is all graped up and ready to go,” Isak said.

“Now who’s a dork, huh?” Even pinched his side.

Isak squirmed away from the touch with a laugh. “Fuck off.” He pulled Even’s legs to his hips and lined himself up. “Ready?”

Even nodded with a gulp. “It’s been a while,” he confessed.

“I’ll go slow.” He slid in achingly slow. The stretch burned a bit. Once he was all the way in, he kissed Even. “Tell me if you want me to stop.”

“Never,” Even puffed. “Never stop.” They rocked together slowly, panting quietly into each other’s mouths. It was uncomfortable for a few minutes. Eventually, Even got used to the stretch. Craved more. He thrust his hips up. “Faster.”

Isak kissed him again and rose up. He took Even’s thighs into his hands and thrust deeper into him. Their moans echoed off the walls. It was a song of them. Skin and kisses and sighs and moans. Even the bed creaking beneath them. All of it was a symphony to Even’s ears. He wrapped his arms around Isak’s back, bringing him closer. He wanted to look right into his eyes when they finished. He came first, groaning Isak’s name. Isak fucked him through his orgasm, his movements becoming shorter with each thrust. “ _Even_.” He shuddered on top of him, his expression blissful. Even was honoured to be the one that put it there.

It was perfect. They were perfect.

It wasn’t until they were all cleaned up, lying under the covers that Even felt the dreaded wave of doubt. What did this mean? What was going to happen now?

He watched Isak sleep for a while. He was so lovely. Even figured they’d talk about it when they woke. That thought alone brought him comfort.

 

*********

They didn’t talk about it.

They didn’t bring it up at all. Isak smiled at him and joked with him the way he always did before that night. He didn’t kiss Even again or ask him to touch him. It was like he was acting like it never happened.

Even began to doubt whether or not it had. His touch. His taste. Even remembered him so vividly. It did happen. It was real. They had belonged to each other for a night. Then nothing. Even didn’t like the nothing. It ate at him every time he saw Isak. Every time he thought of him. Every time he cared to remember the feeling of him inside him.

Was Isak really this cruel? If he wasn’t interested in anything more, he could at least have the decency to tell him. Even wouldn’t mind. Even if he would, he’d let him go. Even would give him anything. If only he knew what it was he wanted.

He sat on Mikael’s floor with Adam, while Mikael and Mutta were comfortable up on his bed. His heart pounded while he awaited their reactions. They came all at once.  

“You fucked?!” “Holy shit!” “Alright!”

Even laughed at Adam’s praise. “I told you, you needed some action,” he said, giving Even a clap on the back.

“Yeah.” He coughed, biting back a smile. “I guess I should thank you.”

Adam slapped the floor. “He used my condoms. I’m telling you, I always know when someone needs to get it.”

“How come you never tell me?” Mutta asked.

Adam pulled a face. “You’re not getting any til you find a nice girl and settle down in a little house with a cat and-” Mutta tossed a pillow at his face.   

“What’s going on, now?” Mikael asked Even. His face had been painted with concern the moment the words left Even’s lips.

Even shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it.”

“Why?”

“He hasn’t said anything and I-” Even sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Maybe that’s his answer. It was a one time thing.”

“Are you okay with that?” Mutta asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

He did not like the way Mutta and Mikael were looking at him.

Adam patted his leg. “Just talk to him, bro. There’s nothing wrong with a hook up, but you gotta ask him about it. Maybe he’s scared, too.”

“Mm.” Even hoped so.

**You have two missed calls from _Mamma_**

 

*********

Even took Adam’s advice. Swallowed his pride, decided to make the first move. He looked at his phone every half second. Tapped his foot against the floor. Picked at his nails.

At exactly 21:21, Isak came home.

“Hey.” He shot Even his handsome smile, same as always.

“Hey.” Even stood apprehensively, biting his cheeks. Isak was trying to ignore him. Even followed him into the kitchen. Stood behind him at the counter. “Uh. Isak?” Nothing. “Isak?”

He faced him with a sigh.

“About that night-”

Before he’d even finished the question, Isak kissed him. Yanked him close by his shirt. Parted his lips with his tongue. Ran his fingers through his hair. Put his hands down his pants.

They did it again.

And again and again and again. Even wasn’t sure if there was a single surface they hadn’t fucked on in the apartment.

They kissed and they had sex and they didn’t talk about it. And it happened all over again. Even stopped trying to ask. Isak stopped waiting for the question. He never ever got past “About that night-” anyway. They fell into each other’s arms whenever they wanted to. Screamed and cried their releases. Held each other after. It really felt like making love. They never talked about it.

Even was busy with Isak’s dick down his throat. He’d been getting good at it again, prouder each time he made Isak scream. Spotify was playing some mellow song while Even pleasured him.

The song faded into another. Even immediately recognized it as 5 fine frøkner, but it took Isak a few seconds.

When he groaned, “Nooo,” Even knew he’d caught on.

Even gripped the base of Isak’s dick and hummed along to the tune. The vibrations ran from Even’s throat to Isak’s dick.

He laughed and wriggled around on the bed. “Are you humming on me?”

Even tried not to laugh as he hummed louder. Humming with a mouth full of Isak was no easy feat.

“Even!” Isak laughed.

Even took his mouth off with a pop. He held Isak’s dick close and started singing.

“Du får meg til å kjøre meg opp. D’e ingenting som kan kjøre meg neeeeed!”

Isak tried to squirm out of his hold. “Even, what the fuck,” he laughed.

“Du får alt til å sprenge i kok. D’e ingen andr’eg heller gjør det her med!”

“Even!” Isak strained to speak through his laughter. His chest was heaving. “Stop!”

“What?” Even said innocently.

“You’re using my dick as a microphone!”

“I’m not getting a lot of echo.” Even gave him a stroke, smiling at the way Isak’s breath hitched. “Do you know what brand it is?”

“Valtersen.”

“Hm. Valtersen.” Another stroke. “Can’t say I’ve heard of it.”

“It’s the best there is.”

“Oh?” Even pressed a kiss to the wet head. “Testing one, two,” he said into it.

“Oh my God!” Isak laughed.

Even readjusted his hand on Isak’s dick. “Ingen andr’eg heller gjør det her meeed!”

“Fucking hell,” Isak laughed. He sat up and firmly grabbed Even’s shoulders. Before he could pull him away, Even let go and raised to his knees. He swayed and bopped his head to the music. Isak fell back against the bed, watching Even with raised brows while he mumbled the part he didn’t know. “Mmmlenge e dag. Fem fine frøkner tredd på en rad danser aleine me vi gjør det i lag!”

Isak scooted further up the bed so he could get on his knees. He moved closer and closer until they were face to face. Isak grabbed the back of Even’s head and pulled him into a giggly kiss.

Even enjoyed it for a few seconds before pulling away. “You’re just trying to shut me up.”

“It was working,” Isak said. He pulled Even into another kiss and, well. There were way more fun things Even could do with his mouth.

They lay together afterwards, sated and spent. Isak’s head was resting on Even’s stomach. He let Even play with his hair. “Mm. You know what I don’t get?”

“What?”

“Why everyone’s so obsessed with mac ‘n cheese.” Even laughed at Isak’s serious tone. “Like! Yeah, it’s good, but it’s not _that_ good. There’s nothing special about it. It’s literally just macaroni and melted cheese.”

“It’s easy,” Even said while he carded his fingers through Isak’s hair. Soft. So soft.

“So is a peanut butter sandwich, but I don’t see people hyping them.” He nuzzled his face on Even’s stomach. Even giggled at the tickling sensation from his hair. Isak smirked at him and rubbed his head on Even’s belly some more. Even wriggled and squirmed under him, his laughter getting louder the longer he moved.

He grabbed Isak’s shoulders. “Isak!” he begged, voice bouncing with laughter. “I’m gonna piss myself.”

Isak climbed up to Even’s face. “I’m not one to kink shame, but I’m not really into that.”

Even pulled him into a kiss while they were still laughing to stop his dirty mouth. They loved and they loved some more.

They didn’t talk about it. They never talked about it.

 

*********

G, D, Am. “Knock, knock knocking on heaven’s door.”

Isak followed the sound into the living room. Even was playing his guitar on the couch. They smiled at each other. Isak climbed onto the couch, resting his feet on Even’s lap. “What is that?”

“An old one,” Even said while he strummed softly.

“Play something I know.”

Even leaned in to press their foreheads together. “Yes sir.”

He played an acoustic version of that Sigrid song Isak was always singing. He’d looked it up. Learned it for him. Just in case.

Isak laughed and adjusted his feet on Even’s lap. “Sing for me?” Even asked.

“Who are you, the phantom of the opera?”

“If you’re my angel of music.”

Isak rolled his eyes with that smile of his. He nodded his head while Even played, waiting for a good spot to begin. “Not like in the movies. Our story’s after the end like strangers,” he sang.

A smile tugged at Even’s lips. He was so lovely.

“Perfect pretenders. We’re falling head over heels for something that ain’t real.” They met eyes. “It could never be us. Yeah, just you and I.”

Even wanted more.  

Could it ever be them?

Real life wasn’t like a movie.

 

*********

**You have a missed call from _Mamma_**

“How’s it all going?” Mutta asked.

“It’s good. Really, really good.”

Mutta squinted at him. “You don’t look happy.”

Even’s heart sank. He wasn’t. It wasn’t enough. He wanted _Isak._ He wanted to cuddle him watching old movies on the couch and kiss him in public and take him on dates. He wanted to hold his hand.

Even knew he didn’t get to have those things. He’d always known. All he ever did was let people down when it counted most. He’d been letting his parents down for years. He’d let down Camar. He would let Isak down, too. Fuck him up, ruin his life. Leave behind a selfish trail of destruction. That’s all Even was good for.

“Even,” Mutta said carefully. It was like nails to a chalk board. His name being said that way. They all knew. “I know I’m pretty clueless when it comes to this stuff, but you don’t have to go on like this.”

“What am I supposed to say to him?”

“Whatever you want.”

Even stared at the register. His apron was too tight. The café was too hot. Mutta was too close. “No.”

“No?”

“It’s not – It can’t happen.”

“Why?”

Even closed his eyes, leaning heavily on the counter. “You know why. Deep down, you know.”

“You deserve to be happy, Even.” He scoffed at the suggestion. Of course he would say that. “No. Nuh uh. I’m not gonna let you keep thinking like this.”

“You know I love you, Mutta, but you’re not my therapist.”

“Who you haven’t seen in months.” _Fuck._ “I’m not gonna tell you to get over it. That’s stupid and impossible. _I’m_ not over it. I don’t know if we’ll ever be. Or if we ever should be. What I _am_ going to tell you is you need to stop blaming yourself. Putting every bad thing in the world on you.” 

“He _died_ , Mutta,” Even said. He was back to that day. His heart beating so hard it nearly stopped. Running and running and praying and praying. Being too late. Seeing Camar’s mother crying outside the front of their house. Meeting her eyes. Knowing. Breaking. “He fucking – he was there when I – and when _he_ was – I didn’t – I should’ve – I could’ve stopped it.”

“None of us can know that,” Mutta said.

“I failed him.”

“We all did,” Mutta insisted. “It’s not just you, Even. You’re not the only one in this. We _all_ failed him. Blaming ourselves doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t bring him ba-” 

“It’s penance.”

“What?!” Mutta was incredulous.

Even was angry. “Penance. Fuck, why are we talking about this here? This is so fucked up.” He was crying at work and they still had twenty minutes til closing. Mutta always understood. Why couldn’t he understand this?

“You’re punishing yourself?” Mutta shook his head in disbelief. “Even. If you – If you really think you deserve that, I think you’ve had enough by now.”

Even wiped at his eyes. Someone, somewhere was laughing at him. He’d wanted to be able to cry. Now, he’d give anything to stop. “It’ll never be enough.”

Mutta reached for him, but had the better sense to stop when Even flinched. “Alright. Okay. You’re probably not going to believe me now, but please listen. Okay?” Even nodded. “Okay. This is really cliché, but your past does not have to define your future. Not if you don’t let it. And I know you don’t like thinking about the future. So, let’s not. Just think about now. Life is now, right? You’re in control, Even. Not all the time, I know, but you can make decisions. You can make them for you. If you don’t want to let Isak down, don’t. Not in the now. Forget everything else. Just for now.”

He was right. Even didn’t believe him. He couldn’t. Could he?

He wanted Isak. He wanted them together. The thought of trying to ask him what he wanted, what they were, sent his heart to his throat. Made him tremble right down to his bones.    

 

**What is fear?**

Crippling. Unforgiving. Humiliating.

Fear is all consuming.

It is irrational. It is the only thing that makes sense.

Fear has the power to turn a person into something unrecognisable.

Turns them helpless. Makes them strong.

Fear is weak. Fear is brave.

Even hadn’t been afraid much in his life. Not on his first day of school. Not at the top of Trolltunga. Never when he was out of his mind on the delicious highs of mania.

His first real taste of fear was losing consciousness on his bathroom floor at seventeen. His mind wanted to die, but his heart did not. His next was rereading Camar’s message that day. When he understood. When he begged every deity to make it on time. When he didn’t.

And again, now.

What were they? Was he going to destroy Isak the way he destroyed everyone else? Would he let him down too? Did Isak feel what he felt? Was it all in his head? Could they ever go back to being just friends? Who would hurt who more?

Would this heartbreak compare to the last?

 

He didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve anything. Even was selfish. He just had to know. So, on an ordinary Wednesday afternoon, he waited around campus for Isak’s last class to end. Chris walked past him, hand raised for a high five. Their hands made a resounding smack. The impact left Even’s hand tingling.

“You,” Chris said, watching him as she backed away. “You’re the man.”

She was wonderful.

Call it fate or whatever the fuck, Isak was the first student to walk out of the class. He ran right into Even, nearly knocking them both over. They grabbed onto each other and struggled to get upright. Isak was laughing by the time they managed it, but Even was shaking too hard to laugh.

“You okay?” Isak asked softly because he always knew. He was so lovely. _Shit._

“Wanna head home?”

Isak nodded, stroking Even’s back as they walked. He always knew. He probably wouldn’t touch him if he really knew what Even was going to say. His mouth went dry. He felt like he was going to die. Was he going to die?

Isak shut the door behind them. Even took his hand. He held it close to his chest, stroking the palm, knuckles and fingers with his own calloused hand. Even saw Isak’s chest begin to heave while he watched the action. When they locked eyes, Isak snatched his hand away. He pushed away from the door and tried to head down the hall. Even followed directly behind him.

“What are we, Isak? What are we doing?”

Isak stopped, keeping his back to him. “We’re friends.”

Of course.

“We are not friends. Friends don’t do the things we do.”

Isak faced him reluctantly. “Even-”

“Isak, please,” Even pleaded. “I’m-” Scared, he didn’t say. He couldn’t say. He’d said too much. He hadn’t said enough.

“We should stop.” Even snapped his head up. Isak refused to meet his eyes. “You and me, the late nights, the cuddling, the sex. We can’t do this anymore.”

A quiet voice told Even to fight. To yell and beg. To hold and love. Another told him this was the end. That was the voice he listened to.

He said nothing and Isak walked to his room. He said nothing and cried under the shower. He said nothing and lay awake all night. He said nothing.

 

*********

Isak was right outside the bathroom when Even opened the door. They stumbled, careful not to run into each other. No physical contact. That was no longer allowed.

“Sorry,” Isak muttered, eyes fixed to Even’s jaw. He never looked him in the eyes anymore. So, so dark. They awkwardly stepped around each other until they’d switched places. They faced each other for several _long_ seconds. Isak gestured behind him. “I’m gonna…”

“Uh, right. I’ll leave you to it.” He left him alone.

The walls of their apartment had never felt so big and small at once. Even was trapped here. Suffocating. He was all alone. Freezing. He sat at their small table, completely motionless. Apparently some time had passed, because when Isak passed him, he was all clean and done up. He was beautiful.

Looking hurt. Not looking hurt.

“Um…” Isak stood by the front door. “Bye.”

All Even gave him was a nod. He said nothing. There was nothing else to say. Isak left without another word. It was odd; Even knew it would end, but not like this. He was supposed to be the disappointing one, not Isak.

Even lost the ability to really breathe a little more every day. His chest was always aching. He knew this feeling, though it was different. Different kinds of heartbreak.

 

**What is heartbreak?**

An ache. A longing.

Emptiness. Fullness.

The world was laughing at him, every waking moment reminding him he was alone. Something was missing. A light had gone out.

Would it ever come back?

Would Even ever be who he once was? Did he want to be?

Would he take everything back if he could? Erase it all? Un-love him?

Never.

_Never._

 

*********

“I’m not sure if I should be glad to see you,” Surpana said.

“That’s uplifting,” Even remarked.

Surpana smiled her ‘he’s being a sarcastic dick’ smile. Even was tempted to apologise. He really, really didn’t want to. So, he said nothing.

Surpana watched him for a while. The way she knew he hated. “It’s been a while since our last appointment,” she said simply. Nine months. “That can mean you’re doing really well, or the exact opposite. While I’d like to believe you’ve been great, something tells me that’s not true.”

“No.”

She straightened in her big chair. It was an old, ugly computer chair stuck in her office. It was peeling at the edges. “What are you thinking about?”

“When?”

“Let’s start with right now.”

He stared at the damaged parts of the chair. “That chair.” He pointed to it. “It’s old. It’s falling apart. Why don’t you just get a new one?”

“I like this chair,” she said with a shrug.

“But it’s,” he gestured vaguely, “shit.”

Surpana let out a short, but genuine laugh. “It might be a bit shit.” She burrowed herself into it. “That doesn’t stop me from liking it.”

“Why?”

“Honestly?” She leaned in closer to quietly say, “It’s moulded to my ass perfectly.” Even huffed a laugh. “It’s true. I searched for a while until I found this one. It’s _just_ right.”

“So, you’re like Goldilocks?” he joked.

“Absolutely,” she joked right back.

_Socks and chairs._

His smile faded, though it was never truly there to begin with. “What else?”

He frowned before remembering her earlier question. What was he thinking about? Him. Him and him and him and him. “There’s a boy.”

“Ah.”

“It’s not – well, it _is_ like that, but…” He played with his fingers. They were dry and red. “Not anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Surpana said honestly. Even nodded, staying silent. “Is that why you’re here?”

“I don’t know.”

Surpana gave him time to think. It was useless. “It’s been a few years since your friend passed, hasn’t it?”

Even closed his eyes. “Three.”

“I need you to tell me why you’re here, Even. If I’m going to be of any help to you. What’s going on?”

“I’m-” His throat went dry. He swallowed thickly several times. “Mutta thinks I’ve punished myself enough.” He cracked his red knuckles. “I don’t know. I want-” He stopped and shook his head.

“Do you want to believe him?”

“Well. Yeah.”

Surpana folded her feet under legs on her big, ugly chair. “Good. You didn’t want to hear anything else before.” Even huffed. “If it’s enough to make you think about it, I think that’s saying something big.”

“I just.” He sighed, pulling at his hair. “I want to be okay. I think.”

“Do you still remember some of the old exercises we used to do?” Even nodded. “Okay. We’re going to revisit some of that. Because I’m unoriginal. But mostly because it might actually help this time.” Even shrugged his acceptance. “You remember our old mantra?”

“Life is now.”

She snapped her fingers. “That’s the one. Life is now. I want you to take things one day at a time. And if that gets to be too much, take it one hour at a time. And if that’s too much, take it one minute at a time.” She tapped her head with her pen. “We both know you’re stuck in your head too much. In the past. In the future. In fears. Instead, I want you to live minute by minute. Just for a while.”

“That’s -” Even sniffed. “That’s what Mutta said. Kinda.”

“You’ve got someone who can help you,” she offered. “That used to be Camar, yes?”

“He’s gone.”

“Not while you’re remembering him,” she said. “No one’s completely gone while there are people around to remember them. Giving that role to someone else isn’t replacing him. It’s living.”

“Moving on?”

Surpana shook her head. “ _Going_ on. Like Dumbledore said to Harry, right?” She pointed forward with her pen. “On.”

It sounded too easy.

“Sounds easy, yes?” Even shrugged. “It’s not. You’re a clever guy, I won’t bullshit you. You’re going to have bad days and you’re going to have doubts. That’s why you can’t do it alone.”

“Mutta,” he said quietly.

“As many people as you like.”

 _Mamma. Pappa._    

_Isak._

*********

It was 01:47 when Even’s door creaked open. He didn’t dare look. Slow footsteps approached. Someone stood at the side of the bed. It could easily be a burglar. Or a murderer. Funny that he didn’t fancy dying tonight. It wasn’t either of those things. He knew the way Isak walked. The way he crept. The way he lingered. He rolled over to a messy-haired Isak. He was in the middle of a yawn and rubbing his eyes. His eyes changed when he looked at Even. Finally looked at him. Green, green, green. Green and honest and naked.

They looked at each other for a while. No one moved. No one spoke.

Isak took one step closer. That was all he needed. Even pulled back his sheets and Isak climbed in. Into his bed, into his arms. Even rested his head on Isak’s chest and wrapped his arms around his middle. Isak held him close. Pressed his mouth to Even’s hair.

And Even still wanted him.

_Minute by minute._

They held onto each other until the sun rose. Their eyes fluttered closed when the first rays of sunlight broke through Even’s curtains. It created a yellow hue through the room. Sleep claimed them both. And when Even woke, Isak was still there.

 

*********

They moved around the kitchen silently. It was easier than the last few weeks. They couldn’t carry on like that. It would’ve killed them both.

Even made his world famous tar. They ended up in the same positions as the night Even scared Isak in the kitchen. Even by the sink. Isak leaning on the counter.

_Is it better to speak or to die?_

“I don’t want to be your friend,” Even said. Isak swallowed hard. “I don’t want to stop the late nights with you, cuddling you. Loving you.” Isak sniffled. “Isak.” He took Isak’s hand and ran his thumb over the top. “I will never make you do anything you don’t want to do, but I think you want this, too.” A deep breath. Everything hurt. _Better to speak._ “I love you. I’m in love with you. And I think you love me.”

“Fuck.” Isak broke. Even pulled him into a hug, smoothing his back, his hair.

_Baby._

Isak choked his sobs against him. _Shit._ Everything was clear. Even wasn’t the only one who wasn’t okay. He wasn’t the only one who needed people. He wasn’t the only one who needed to take life minute by minute. Even held him, hoping it said _I’m here. I’ll always be right here._

He wasn’t sure how long they clung to each other like that. It could’ve been a few minutes. It could’ve been an hour. Isak pulled away eventually, his eyes darting around. He would look at Even, then the wall, then the floor, then back at Even. He stepped back slowly, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “I’m sorry.” His voice broke. “I have to-” He slid on the shoes at the door and left. They were Even’s old sneakers.  

Even had never understood the term deafening silence until now. Their apartment was too hollow, too still.

Isak didn’t come back that night. Even’s worry had him pacing around the entire apartment, searching for something that wasn’t there. Someone. He couldn’t relax until he got the text.

 

    Jonas: Isak’s with me. He’s okay

    Even: Thank you

 

He was okay. He was okay. He was okay.

Even slept in Isak’s bed. Wrapped himself in his striped duvet, breathed in his scent. He was everywhere. Even slept like a baby.

 

*********

The door opened. Footsteps. Even didn’t turn around. Isak rested his face on Even’s back. Leaned on him so Even had to place his hands on the counter to steady himself. Isak nuzzled Even’s back.

“Do you want me to leave here?” Even asked. Isak shook his head against him. “You know, you make me feel normal,” he confessed. “Not like another sad statistic or a psycho or a glass vase. Normal.”

“You make me feel normal, too,” Isak mumbled. “I’m so sorry for – I – I think…”

Even gave him a little push once he’d been quiet for thirty seconds. “Tell me, baby.”

He felt Isak’s gasp. “I want to be ready,” he said in a small voice. “I want to – but I need time.”

“You can have all the time you need. I’ll wait.”

Isak wrapped his arms around Even, hugging him tight. “What if I need forever?”

Even rested his arms over Isak’s. “Then, I’ll wait forever.”

 

*********

Isak moved out.

He gave him time to find another roommate. It ended up being an aspiring actress named Camille. She was loud and dramatic and funny. She was weird like Even was. He liked her, but they never got close.

Even wasn’t there when Isak left. He came home on the day to half their stuff being gone. And him. He’d left his keys on the countertop, sitting on top of a note.

**I miss you <3**

Present tense. Even brought his lips to the note. He kept it in his bedside draw. Looked at it from time to time. Missed him back.

They only saw each other in passing every now and then on campus. Even always smiled and said hello. Isak always said it back. It was fine enough. They could live with it. The formality of it all, the pleasantry, made him feel a bit sick. But he could handle it.

Even saw Surpana again. Listened to her. Told her the truth. He spoke to his friends. Told them he loved them when he felt like it. Took things minute by minute. Answered mamma’s calls.

He called first one lonely evening. Camille was out with her theatre friends. He missed Isak. He picked up his phone and dialled his old home number. Mamma picked up after five rings.

“Hello?”

“Mamma?”

“Even! Oh, love. How are you?”

She didn’t yell at him like he thought she might. She sounded happy to hear from him. So did Pappa. He told them he loved them first. They invited him to dinner. He went.

Minute by minute, all the breath Even had lost started coming back. His lungs no longer burned. The ache in his heart soothed. His smile reached his eyes. He was okay.  

Maybe he’d never truly forgive himself for Camar. Maybe that was okay.

 _“You’re going to live,”_ Camar had said. Even was living.

 

*********

Even plucked at his strings in a practise room. He didn’t know where he was going with it. He’d just picked up and starting playing. It was shit at first. That was okay. Even could work with shit. Shit was better than nothing. Gradually, the shit got less shit until it was kind of good. It was about a boy.

“I like it,” Jonas said. He was leaning in the doorway Even hadn’t noticed being opened.

“So do I,” Even said.

“Heard you were stuck lately.” He walked into the room with his own case.

“Composer’s block,” Even said. He frowned. “Or writer’s block? Is composer’s block a thing? I feel like a third year should know this.”

Jonas shrugged in that easy way of his. “Sounds right.” He sat on the piano stool. “Teach me?”

“Yeah! Okay,” Even enthused. He waited while Jonas got his own guitar out. His had a few stickers on it. It had already been properly tuned. Even strummed slowly, talking Jonas through it. Jonas was a musical genius like Isak. It didn’t take long before he was playing it better than Even.

Jonas ended up teaching Even one of his songs. It was about a black lake overflowing and flooding a small town, drowning the occupants. “It’s a metaphor for capitalism, isn’t it?”

“It’s poison,” Jonas confirmed.

“Stick it to the man, right?”

The voice made Even’s heart skip a beat. Isak was leaning in the doorway the exact way Jonas had been. He was in dark jeans, a white t-shirt and a blue jacket. And Even’s old sneakers. _Beautiful._ The sight of him didn’t hurt. Didn’t send a sharp pang through his chest. Even couldn’t stop smiling. Isak smiled back.

“We can’t be suckers to the system,” Jonas said.

“They say under capitalism, _we_ are the April Fool,” Even said seriously.

Jonas nodded, his thumb and index finger stroking his chin. “That’s brilliant.” He squinted at Even. “You’ve been Karl Marx the whole time, haven’t you?”

Even put his hands up, “You got me.”

“And you only hung out with me so you could get close to him,” Isak added, pointing at Jonas. “Cause he salivates over Daddy Marx.”

“He’s the only man who’s ever had my heart,” Jonas said.

“I just wanted to make a simple joke and now I’m in too deep,” Even said.

“Isn’t that how most people get in trouble?”

Isak looked at Even. “Depends on the trouble.” He gave him a wink. A fucking wink! A blush coloured Even’s cheeks.

“What do you want, anyway?” Jonas asked, scrunching his nose.

Isak placed a dramatic hand on his chest. “You mean you don’t want me here?”

“I do,” Even said. He ruined the joke. Isak’s smile made it well worth it. He looked happy.

 

*********

Another beginning.

They started hanging out again. Never alone. Usually with Jonas. It didn’t matter. It was good. Even had been so preoccupied having a crush on Isak, he’d forgotten to appreciate him as a friend. He wasn’t just lovely. He was smart and silly and sassy and fun to annoy. He thrived around his friends. Even never noticed how charming Isak could be. Here he was, thinking _he_ was the charming one.

He told good stories and laughed loudly and roasted his friends brutally. All out of love, of course. His smile was truer, his eyes brighter.  

They were at Chateau Neuf with Isak’s usual gang, along with Mutta, Adam and Mikael. They’d insisted on meeting Isak. Even finally relented. They did their best to embarrass Even the entire night.

Magnus was in the middle of one of his wild stories that always sounded too crazy to be true. “When I woke up, my dick was blue!”

“Argh,” everyone groaned.

“Yeah! I was like what the fuck.” He put an arm around Mahdi. “So, I called Mahdi and I was freaking the fuck out.”

“He cried,” Mahdi said. He took a proud sip of beer.

Magnus wacked his chest. “I did not,” he scoffed.

“Nah, nah, of course not,” Mahdi said. He nodded his head at everyone, mouthing ‘he did.’

“Did you bang a smurf?” Adam asked. “How did little Magnus get blue?”

“Okay, first of all, it is _not_ ‘little Magnus’.” He straightened his shoulders with pride. “And second, everyone shut up and I’ll get to it.”

“Ooooh,” Chris and her friend Vilde teased.

He pulled a silly face. “Anyway. So, I was freaking out to Mahdi-”

“Crying,” Mahdi said.

Magnus glared at him. “And that’s when tinder chick woke up. She rolled over with blue all around her mouth.”

“Oh no,” Mutta said.

“And it turns out,” Magnus was already laughing, “tinder chick had this blue drink all night and ended up staining my dick blue! Hah!”

“Is it still blue?” Even asked. “That’ll scare any future ladies off.”

“It washed off,” Magnus said. “It was alcohol, not ink.”

Isak’s friend Eskild put an arm around Magnus’s neck. He ruffled his hair with his other hand. “That’s cute.”

“Cute?! My dick was blue, man.”

“Don’t even get me started on blowjob stories,” Eskild said. “You will not win.”

“No way,” Isak agreed. He grabbed Even’s hand under the table and gave it a squeeze. _Touch me._ “Definitely not the wildest thing I’ve ever seen.” He and Even shared a quick glance.

The memory of microphone dick surged forward. It wasn’t long before they were both laughing themselves to tears while everything frowned at them in confusion.

“I don’t want to know what that’s about,” Jonas said.

“I do,” said Adam.  

“You’re a little pervert,” Eskild said. “I like you.”

Jonas disappeared at some point. As did Eskild. Isak stared at his phone, a happy, yet nervous look on his face.

“Anything interesting?” Even asked.

“Jonas ended up at Eva’s again,” Isak said, not looking at him. “I’m alone for the night.”

Even’s stomach flipped hopefully. Stupidly. “Oh.” He nodded, trying to emulate Jonas’s carefree nature. _Do you still want me?_

They danced around it for a while. Isak finished his drink quietly. Even bit at his chapped lip. Isak put his glass down firmly. “Do you want to come back to mine?” he blurted.

Even had known it was coming, but he still felt thrown. His breath shortened and his gut whirled. “Yes,” he said.

“Cool,” Isak said. “Let’s go.”

“Now?”

“Is there a problem?” A hint of vulnerability glimmered in his eyes. His eyes. Even had missed that green.

Even gulped. _Do you remember the things we said?_ “Nope. Let’s go.”

Their knees bumped together on the tram. He took in Isak’s profile while he bounced his leg. Excited nerves coursed through Even’s body. _Can you be mine?_

He followed Isak up several flights of stairs. “Elevator’s broken,” Isak told him. Even was only a little disappointed. He let go of the passionate elevator make out he’d imagined on the tram. Isak fiddled with his keys for a while before they got in.

Even took off his shoes and looked around the apartment. It was exactly what he’d imagined Jonas’s living space would look like. A colourful knitted rug was pinned to the wall behind the couch. A dirty bong sat on the messy coffee table. Records, CDs and DVDs were strewn around the living room. There was a small garbage bag tied up beside the full garbage bin. A chopstick stuck out the top.

Even searched for a trace of Isak in the space. His eyes landed on a copy of ‘Call me by your name’ on the floor beside the coffee table. Even walked over to pick it up and opened the front page. **E.B.N** was written in the top corner.

“I took it with me,” Isak said. “Sorry. I just wanted something of yours.” His face was a deep red.

Even swallowed hard and put the book down. “Keep it.”

Isak licked his lips. Even could tell he was figuring out how to say something. _You can say anything to me._

“I figured things out,” he said. “About me.”

“I’m proud of you,” Even said. He meant it. The way Camar had meant it to him.

Isak was openly staring at him now, not bothering with subtlety. The look made Even feel present. Something was happening.

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Isak said. He pulled his jacket off, letting it fall to his feet. He backed away a few paces, eyes on Even before turning and disappearing into what Even guessed was the bathroom.

He stood alone in the living room, unsure what he was supposed to do. Was Isak asking him to join him? _Can I be yours?_ He heard the shower start. Isak’s muffled singing came through the wall. Even’s heart pounded hard against his ribcage with each step he took. The door had been left slightly ajar. He pushed it open and saw Isak through the glass. He looked right at him. _God!_ Even stepped in and undressed slowly while Isak watched. When he kicked away his socks, they were both naked and bare. Isak opened the shower door for him. Even stepped in, standing close to Isak.

Isak pulled Even under the spray, drenching him head to toe. Even moved his head in front of the water, looking at Isak in awe. Isak put both his hands in Even’s hair and pulled him in for an embrace. Even held him tightly like it’d actually been forever. “I missed you,” he murmured.

“I love you,” Isak said, his voice gentle.

Even buried his nose in Isak’s neck. He pressed a dozen little kisses to his skin.

Isak pulled his head back to look at him. His eyes were big and green, green, green. “Touch me,” he said.

Even kissed him like it was the first and last time. He breathed his goddamn soul into his mouth. Isak kissed him back like he meant what he said. Like he was everything to him. They kissed and pulled and held until they were both erect and panting. A wet sound broke their kiss as Isak placed his mouth against Even’s ear. “Take me to bed.”

“Fuck,” Even groaned. “What are you doing to me, baby?”

Isak held his face. “Say it again.”

Even nudged his nose with his. “Baby.”

Isak pulled Even in for a kiss that was cut cruelly short. He reached behind Even to turn the knobs. Even put his hands on Isak’s hips, keeping him close. “Even,” Isak laughed. “Bedroom.”

That was an idea Even could get behind. They stepped out of the shower, ignoring the water all over the floor. Isak quickly rubbed Even’s head with a towel, then his own. He dropped it to the floor with a smile. “It’ll be like the first time,” he said, tracing the water drops on Even’s shoulders. So, so soft.

Even took his hands and pulled him out the room, treading on his pants on the way. “You’re gonna have to guide me, here.”

Isak backed Even into his room. They burst through the door, not bothering to close it. Even fell back on the bed the moment the back of his legs hit the edge, pulling Isak down with him. Isak leaned down, wrapped his arms around Even’s neck, entwined his legs with his. He rolled them over so Even was on top of him. “I miss feeling you inside me,” he said.

“Is that what you want?”

“Fuck, yeah.” He thrust up, brushing their erections together. “Fuck me.”

“No, baby,” Even said. He leaned down for a kiss. “I’m gonna make love to you.”

Isak laughed against his mouth. “Dork.”

“Baby.” He lived for the way Isak melted under him. He noticed they were atop Isak’s same striped duvet. He touched it behind Isak’s head. “I missed you,” he said.

Isak put a hand on his face. “I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you.”

Even rubbed his face against Isak’s hand. “I’m sorry I was so caught up in my own head, I didn’t even consider what you were feeling.”

Isak gave him a smile. “We can make it up to each other.”

Even matched his smile. “Yes.” He rolled their hips together just to hear Isak gasp. Before Isak could reach for his ass, Even slid down his body. He licked up the length of Isak’s dick and kissed the head. “My favourite mic.” Isak laughed, pushing Even’s wet hair off his forehead. Even gave it a few more kisses before moving further down. He picked Isak’s thighs up and pushed them apart. He pressed a kiss to Isak’s entrance before sticking his tongue in. He licked and kissed and fucked, letting Isak bring his hand up to suck on his fingers. When he was done, Even circled Isak’s rim with his index finger. Isak gasped, arching his back off the bed. Even teased him and teased him until Isak let out a frustrated, “Even!”

He used two fingers to open him up while he licked at Isak around them. He let Isak rock back on his fingers for a few minutes. “Ready, baby?” Isak nodded, head thrown back and eyes closed. Even kissed up his chest to reach his mouth. “Condom?”

Isak gestured to his bedside with a short nod. Even grabbed the condom that was on top and tore open the package. Isak stopped his hand. “Can I do it?”

“Fuck, yeah.” He sighed while Isak rolled the condom over his dick.

“Um. There’s lube under the bed.”

Even rolled over, feeling around under the bed for the bottle. He laughed when he finally found it. “Grape. Fancy.”

Isak’s flushed face darkened. “I liked it.”

Even popped open the lid. “Mm hm.” Isak grabbed his hand to squeeze some onto his own palm. Isak stroked Even’s dick, getting it well lubricated. “Yeah,” he moaned. He pulled at Isak’s wrist when he got a little too carried away. “If you don’t stop, this’ll be done before it starts.” Isak wiped his hand on the duvet and spread his legs. Even lined himself up. He leaned over to kiss Isak while he breached him. Isak whimpered against his mouth. _Perfect._ Twin moans broke their kiss once Even was as deep as he could go. “I love you,” he whispered as he began to move.

Isak locked his ankles behind Even’s back “Baby,” he moaned.

“Shit, Isak. Yeah.”

They rocked together, completely wrapped in each other. They moved until the bed was hitting the wall behind them. “Sorry, neighbours,” Even laughed.

“Fuck the neighbours,” Isak panted.

They didn’t last long. Even would’ve been embarrassed if he weren’t so desperate for him. If Isak hadn’t finished just as quickly. He carefully pulled out and lay down, half on Isak, half on the mattress. Isak combed his fingers through Even’s damp hair. “Does this mean we’re together?” Even asked.

Isak laughed under him and held is face in his hands. “Even,” he said tenderly. He stroked his cheeks. “Baby.” Even’s breath hitched. “I’m yours.” He brought their foreheads together. “You’re mine.”

Now, Even was allowed to cuddle him watching old movies on the couch, kiss him in public, take him on cheesy dates. He held Isak’s hand whenever he wanted. Isak never pulled away again.  

Things weren’t perfect. They both had their bad days and they yelled at each other and slammed doors. Even questioned if he was good enough. Isak wondered if he was too trusting. Too untrusting. No matter the problem, they always ended up back in each other’s arms. Taking life minute by minute. Together.  

  

**What is love?**

Time stopping. Heart racing.

Grounding. Calming.

Love is gentle, though it can ache.

Love is powerful. Love is terrifying. Love is always worth it.

Isak Valtersen is love.

Even is so grateful to love him. He is so grateful Isak loves him in return.

They **evoke** something in each other.

Something Good.

Something present.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my wankfest. This was deeply personal, so I hope you felt something <3  
> I have not slept 
> 
> Now go tell [Chelsea](http://certifiedfilmhoe.tumblr.com/) and [Julia](http://transjonas.tumblr.com/) they are cool. Julia, without you, this whole event wouldn’t have happened. Literally. Cause you’re the one who organized it. In summary: you the real mvp 
> 
> Fun fact about moi: I played a hooker in my friend’s short film this weekend. A high-end hooker. For politicians and athletes. How far I’ve come ;)  
> Also, that blowjob scene was inspired by [this](http://mangopapi.tumblr.com/post/175978570751/want) post
> 
> Come say hi to me on tumblr at [thegirlnooneknows5](http://thegirlnooneknows5.tumblr.com/)  
> My ask is always open and I am always lonely <3


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